The gathered righteous erupt into a reverent silence
as the good Lord Himself, even Jesus Christ, takes the podium, shuffles his
notes, taps the microphone twice, then grasps the edges of the lectern as He surveys
the audience.
“My Brothers and Sisters, I am humbled to stand before
you today. If I’d known that I was going to be asked to be the final speaker at
this conference, I would have been more careful in checking my call display…” He
turns and playfully casts a scornful glance towards the seats behind him. “No,
but seriously…
“As we approach the close of this historic conference
at Adam-Ondi-Ahman, here in historic Davies County, Missouri, so close to where
it all began in the Garden of Eden, there are a few orders of business we need
to take care of before we can wrap things up.
“First and foremost, a great big heartfelt thank you
to Michael the Archangel, or Father Adam as you know him, for returning the
keys of the governance of the human race back to myself. We’d like to offer
Father Adam a vote of thanks for a job well done. All in favor, please manifest
by the uplifted hand.” The congregants dutifully raise their right arms to the
square, while Jesus looks down at his notes.
“Speaking of Father Adam, I would be remiss if I
didn’t thank Brother Brigham for his wonderful talk explaining that whole Adam-God
doctrinal briar patch. Even I had trouble wrapping my brain around that one,
and I’m pretty closely involved. So thank you for that masterful
clarification—now that you lay it out that way, it’s a little hard to see why
it wasn’t so obvious all along. What was that thing you used to say Brig? That
you had never preached a sermon that wasn’t scripture? Amen President Young,
Amen.
“And Thomas Monson. Are you still here?” Jesus shades
his eyes as he squints out into the crowd. “He was getting pretty worn down there
toward the end, so he might have ducked out early and nobody noticed. Anyway,
if I’m being frank here, I never imagined that anybody would be able to
reconcile the young earth creationism that Joseph Smith says I told him about
in DnC 77 with all of the apparently contradictory evidence from biology, anthropology,
geology, paleontology, geography, linguistics, archeology, psychology, astronomy,
and all the rest of the so called sciences.
But you’ve got to hand it to TMS. His expert use of triplets of passive verbs, and
his sparing use of allegories about widows, allusions to widows, metaphors
regarding widows, and stories of his personal experiences with widows when he
was a young bishop, so clearly illustrate how the Universe can be both 7000
years old and 13 plus billion years old at the same time. That’s the sort of
theological elucidation that made it difficult not to choose him to be my prophet. Questions were settled, doubts
were doubted, and intellects were illuminated. We thank you, President Monson,
you are a wellspring of theological insight.
“And while on the subject of the DnC, I have to give a
shout-out to my boy prophet Joseph Smith. He has done more for the exaltation
and eternal life of mankind than anybody with the one possible exception of
yours truly. We are so lucky that he was there transcribing my words to him
into the DnC, because, if I’m being totally honest here, I don’t even remember
saying most of that stuff. Hats off to the Prophet Joseph, without whom, none
of this would have been possible. All who would like to join us in offering a
vote of thanks, please do so by the usual sign.” The congregants mechanically
raise their arms to the square, while Jesus looks for the next item in his
notes.
Somebody hands our Lord a note. “Oh…and Joseph has
asked me to remind you that following this meeting, before anybody gets into
Heaven, anybody who hasn’t already done so needs will have to meet with him to get
your recommend…Nobody is admitted into the CK without Joseph Smith’s approval.[i] I guess nobody has
discussed this for a couple of years…? To be clear, you don’t get to be judged
by me until after you get judged by him. Thanks Brother Joseph for that timely
reminder.
“Right then…to the issue at hand; the moment that you
have all been waiting for. As this, the temporal history of mankind nears its
final curtain, I have the honor and privilege of announcing the most valuable player
in the plan of salvation. There are some honorable mentions on the shortlist
that I ought to touch on.
“There’s Father Abraham, the Patriarch of the chosen
people.
“Moses was on the list, Moses, the savior of the
Israelites, author of the first five books of the Bible, and without whom you
wouldn’t know that murder is wrong.
“There’s the Holy Ghost. He won’t mind me sharing this
quick story. When he and I were discussing a surefire method of epistemology
for spiritual matters, it was Holy G that suggested that he’d have you
determine objective truth through your subjective emotions; I was like ‘What?
What do you mean?’ and G says ‘we’ll make truth feel exactly like you feel at the end of Old Yeller…’ Genius.
Nothing short of genius.
“Of course Joseph Smith was on the list because he
ushered in this final dispensation which culminates here this afternoon.
“…And just between me and you, Adam-Ondi-Ahman,” He
glances furtively from side to side, “I thought that my mother should be on the
shortlist too, but it turns out that there were no women on the list at all.
“Right. The true MVP of God’s game-plan is…” Pauses
for dramatic effect as someone hands Jesus a wine glass full of grape juice,
and He holds it just above His waist… “it’s God’s number two son, the Angel of
Light, Satan himself.”
Another well timed pause to allow the congregation to
obediently absorb the information.
“Well, what can one say about Satan that hasn’t been
said already?
“There is nobody more central and essential to the
plan of salvation, I might go so far as to say that he is the lynchpin that
holds the whole plan of salvation together.
“Let’s look back to the pre-existence, to the War in
Heaven, where Satan and I presented competing plans. He presented his plan,
which had the upside of everybody returning to heaven, but had the downside of
him getting the credit for everybody returning to heaven. God thought that that
was too high a cost, and we decided that it was more important that God get the
glory, even if it means that virtually all of His children would be banished
from heaven for eternity.
“Before we even made our proposals, Satan already knew
what God’s plan was going to be. When confronted about his activities in the
Garden of Eden, his defense is that he is just doing ‘what was done on previous
worlds.[ii]’ He knew how the plan
played out in all of the worlds created by prior Gods, and so he knew the
necessity of an ‘adversary’ to make the proper
plan work.
“So I laid out the actual plan, including the fact
there would have to be opposition in the form of an adversary. But there was no
adversary; the plan was a non-starter unless there was somebody to go to Earth
and to try to convince everybody to be disobedient. So who steps up to the
plate? Just Satan. In that moment he had it in his power to ruin the whole
plan. All he had to do was precisely nothing. But no, Satan led a…” Jesus makes
quotation marks in the air with his free hand… “a ‘rebellion’ in which he
convinced a third of God’s children to join him in ‘fighting…’ (air quotes)
God’s game-plan.
“So Satan and his ilk get booted from heaven, conveniently
fall to Earth where they perform that absolutely essential adversarial role. Then
a bada boom bada bing, there is, so
to speak, opposition in all things.
“Now, fast forward to the Garden of Eden, and we find that
the plan of salvation has come to a crashing halt. Father Adam and his lovely
bride are stuck there in a state of innocence, eating apples, naming all the animals,
and not multiplying and or replenishing the Earth. All of you, all of God’s
spirit children are just sitting there in heaven twiddling your spirit thumbs waiting
to get physical bodies. In order for that to happen, Adam and Eve have to, as
it were, overcome their state of
innocence.[iii]
“But the only way to overcome their state of innocence
is to partake of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. But do they? Of
course, not; God has commanded them not to. But the plan has failed unless they
eat it. Satan knows the deal; he knows the plan in every detail. He knows that
if he does nothing then the whole plan of salvation has crashed. He knows that
he is the only one who can save the day, and save the day he does! Satan
dresses up like one of those ‘pre-slither’ snakes, and beguiles Eve to taste
the fruit, she convinces Adam to try it too, before you know it, they realize
they are nekked, and they start…nudge nudge wink wink…providing mortal bodies
for all you lot. Satan knew the plan, and knew that all the unembodied spirits
in heaven depended upon him to make their mortal trials possible. Satan did not
fail you. He ensured that the plan kept moving forward.
“Now, am I right in assuming that all of you good
people have your little hearts set on becoming Gods?
“You cannot become Gods unless you complete the trials
of the plan of salvation, and there is no salvation unless you have agency,[iv] and there can be no
salvation without repentance.[v] There can be no repentance
without sin.[vi]
You cannot have agency or sin unless there is a distinction between good and
evil; and you cannot have agency unless you are tempted.[vii] You can start to see why
President John Taylor said that Satan is necessary for the plan of salvation.[viii]
“Keep in mind for a moment that God has perfect foreknowledge
of how His plan of salvation is going to turn out, that there is no possibility
that the game plan does not produce results, and keep in mind that Satan knows
how it always played out on the previous worlds…Satan knows with 100% certainty
that he stands to gain precisely nothing from his…” finger quotation marks in
the air… “‘rebellion.’ Yet he continued to tempt you all right from day one
until now, providing…” air quotes… ‘opposition in all things’ and providing the
very possibility of a distinction between good and evil. These were essential
conditions for agency and for repentance, without which there was no
possibility of salvation. With no thought at all for himself, Satan and his
department provided indefatigable service; he provided a non-stop necessary
condition for the success of the entire plan of salvation. No Satan? No
Salvation!
“In conclusion my
Brothers and Sisters…oh…does everybody have a glass of grape juice? In conclusion
it is my pleasure to honor the man of the hour--The Angel of the Morning, The
Prince of Darkness, my little brother, The Lord of the Flies…Brothers and Sisters,
please raise your glasses to Satan, God’s MVP…
Jesus raises his glass to a chorus of “Satan, God’s
MVP.
“In the name of Me, Amen.”
kachink kachink kachink
[i] Journal of
Discourses, vol. 7, p.289 (Brigham Young); 1988 Melchizedek Priesthood Study Guide (p.
142)
[ii] This little
nugget is from the temple melodrama
[iii] 2nd
Nephi 2: 22-23
[iv] Journal of
Discourses 20:367 (Lorenzo Snow)
[v] Alma 42:13
[vi] Alma 42: 17
[vii] 2nd
Nephi 2: 11, 16, Omni 1:25
[viii] Journal of
Discourses 19:77,78 (John Taylor)
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